by Tyson Meek, former Eagle and current Head Rugby Coach at the
University of Oklahoma.
GLENDALE, CO – The Match that means the most to the diehard Eagle and canUCK fan, is the one they will be playing in. That’s right, Former Eagles and Former canUCKS will go forth into a Battle Of The Aging on Saturday, August 13 at 5pm. The match, billed as Classic Eagles vs Classic Canada, would have been head-lining the evening, but everyone knows the elderly prefer the early bird special.
The Over 35(ish) Team America Egos will be looking to play the brand of rugby exhibited in the first half of last weekend’s test by the Eagles, minus that unfortunate quick-line-out-turned-enemy-try. While both teams will look to avoid the dreaded Falcon 5-pointer (see below) and incontinence for the shortened 60 minute match, Tim Kluempers, the Team America Manager, and Team American Captain Kevin Whitcher are especially happy the match does not conflict with the weekly airing of 60 Minutes.
Fortunately for everyone involved, the scrums are uncontested – giving props even more opportunities to stand around and do nothing. The rolling subs allow props and their teammates alike to leave the pitch for oxygen (or beer) breaks regularly – to decrease the likelihood of heart failure. The referees have also agreed to play by the rules in effect year of our lord nineteen hundred and eighty-nine, ensuring the game will be full of raking in rucks and hijinks worthy of your favorite third tier hockey league.
Professional fouls, yellow and red card offenses will be encouraged because the match is an annual fixture to ensure the participants can survive another year of the rat race without going postal or road raging on any of the unindoctrinated civilians who they allow to live in their kingdom.
Further, the match is part of the rugger-cation invented by players no longer allowed (read married) or capable of playing a full season of rugby. This match in particular is a precursor to the ultimate rugger-cation; a two week tournament (bender) in Bermuda. If you look closely in your rugby community you will notice old boys rubbing themselves down with icy-hot, jogging around the block between beers, watching other people work out, raving about how good they were and generally stroking their ego for weeks in preparation for rugger-cation. This year the match in Denver, the mid-September Aspen Adventure and the Bender in Bermuda provide the aging rugger plenty of opportunity to prove their insanity to family, friends and coworkers. Thankfully, participants don’t have to report rugby enthusiast as a preexisting condition to their insurance carriers.
In all the seriousness this instigator can muster, this match should prove entertaining. The North American Rugby Rivalry is fierce no matter the age. Rolling subs and uncontested scrums will keep the game fast and even Old Boys can go hard for a few minutes at a time every now and then, just ask their wives. If you find yourself in Denver for the match the players will be easy to spot afterwards. They will invariably be walking gingerly wearing Hawaiian shirts, black socks and sandals with massive smiles plastered across their faces, beers in hand.
Tomorrow, All Blacks Legend & current Team Japan Head Coach, John Kirwan reveals to Johnathan Wicklow Barberie – rather surprisingly – The Dirtiest Player Ever – all on camera.