TRALEE, IRELAND – I’m here relaxing on Christmas Holiday in my beautiful home town of Tralee, up to my knees in it on the farm, when all of sudden I get a panicked call from our RWU Editor, saying something about Mathew Drew Turner’s computer having a root canal – or something like that – and that we need a fill-in for today’s column. A fill-in!? Me, a decorated, mature and well-mannered and now-retired prop, filling in for a bleedin’ back!? Well, we all know that this isn’t the first time a forward is left to clean up for a back’s bollixed assignment… and you can bet your mother that it won’t be the last! But since it’s Christmas, I won’t bash the dodgy English wanker any further. Instead, I’ll bash the French.
In case you missed it, France continue to steal from my Welsh brothers. As though robbing Wales– and all of rugby history – blind in the Rugby World Cup wasn’t enough, they’ve been poaching players from Wales off the pitch, securing them for their dastardly uses in Top 14 rugby. Port Talbot born James Hook, Bridgend bred Lee Byrne and Bancyfelin boy Mike Phillips (who was a flanker and whose mum was a boxer!) have already been lured by their filthy francs, but they’re backs. I expect shady behaviour from backs. But now the Frogs have gone too far! Rumour has it that Gethin Jenkins and Adam Jones (beard), my fellow props, could be eating croissants for le petit déjeuner any time now. 
THIS IS BLOODY AWFUL, and while it’s catastrophic in the short term, this harsh reality has finally knocked some sense into the powers that be in Wales. According to BBC Sport Wales, Regional Rugby Wales will soon operate under a salary cap, similar to the £4m per season salary cap under which the English Premiership clubs now operate. Hallelujah. This will enable the Cardiff Blues, Newport Gwent Dragons, Ospreys and Scarlets to have at least a solid shot at retaining their players, saving from the over-indulging and decadent French lifestyle of great wine and beautiful women. In Wales, they can focus on rugby! Besides, a Welshman can’t even say Perpignan, let alone speak Frog.
Next, there’s the case of current Suntory Sungoliath Head Coach Eddie Jones, who according to Rugby365.fr, is poised to take over for our man, John Kirwan, as the next Head Coach of Japan’s Brave Blossoms. Four things about Jones:
1) He’s as solid a rugby mind out there.
2) He’s a good man.
3) Aussie accent aside, he’s part Japanese and WAY over-qualified.
4) He was reamed by the 2007 Springboks after they won the Rugby World Cup. See, there was this little clause in his contract that said that he could not wear an official Springbok Rugby Blazer, despite being the brains behind their RWC win, because he wasn’t South African. Instead, they had him in his tracksuit. I guess they haven’t seen Invicutus in South Africa yet, otherwise they’d know that ridiculously foolish discrimination is over and done with in that country.
Thanks for listening to my shite. Hopefully Johnathan Wicklow Barberie will be back tomorrow. If not, I’ll clean his mess up just like I cleaned up that dirty name Turner’s… Slainte.
