Every Tuesday, England 7s star Mathew Drew Turner takes on the role of pesky reporter for RWU.
This week I’ve been pressed by the RWU Management to give my views on the world’s top 4 teams – which I’ll do first. Then I will be drawing on Ricky Gervais‘ An Idiot Abroad and giving you a glimpse of the Rugby version, An Idiot “Not” Abroad, starring my teammate, Nick Royle, to see what goes on in the head of the idiot at home at the moment. Some say he has a lower IQ than Dan Norton– which is debatable – and can’t walk and talk at the same time.
But we’ll get back to that… Let’s start my Top 4 Teams in the Rugby World Cup, which has no surprises in it; New Zealand, Australia, England and South Africa. I’m sure no one will disagree with me on that. Well, Declan Yeats will probably disagree with me, cause he’s that guy!
NEW ZEALAND: They are putting in the performances that we all expect from the world number 1’s. Dan Carter is calm and relaxed and controlling the back line perfectly. Plus, all the backs peaking at the right time. Richie McCaw getting his 100th cap and repeatedly saying it’s for the team, shows the passion he has for the team and the great leader that he is. It is scary seeing them play as a team finally – they’re gonna be hard to beat!
ENGLAND: England are getting better and better the more they play and are going about the World Cup in a quiet fashion, besides one incident – which I won’t bring up again [you know who you are]… I still feel they’re searching for their best combos in the centers, though. Personally, I think is Tulangi and Tindall, whose incident I didn’t bring up again.
AUSTRALIA: After their “shock” defeat to Ireland, they proved their class and ran in plenty of tries against USA – by no means a weak side. This is where I’d like to congratulate JJ Gagiano for solo try for USA. We played for the University of Cape Town Ikey Tigers together. JJ aside, Australia are still my team to take the World Cup.
SOUTH AFRICA: The one thing South Africa has? A lot of previous World Cup winners who have been through all the pressure situations. This may not seem like a big thing, but when a player finds himself in unknown territory it can change how he plays massively! They are building game by game and their key players are getting back to their bests and some new younger talent is shinning through to with the likes of Francois Hougaard.
Now for the fun part; picking Nicky Noodles‘ (stripper name for Nick Royle) pea brain. I’ve enlisted Rob Vickerman and Dan Norton (sort of) to help me at the task.
Rob Vickerman: Do you believe that all Rugby League players are less intelligent and all northern? [Note: Nick played Rugby League]
Nicky Noodles: I dont understand the question.
Rob repeats question exactly the same way…
Rob Vickerman: Do you believe that all Rugby League players are less intelligent and all northern?
Nicky Noodles: Now you ask it like that I understand.
Rob Vickerman: So…
Nicky Noodles: So what? Can I Google it?
Rob Vickerman: What’s this WAKE story you tell people? explain?
Nicky Noodles: well you basically bet a pound a week on an old celebrity and the pot goes on until the first celeb dies.
Rob Vickerman & MDT: Are you making this up?
Nicky Noodles: Nope. It’s a game my mates and I play! Now let me finish… When the person dies, the next day you have to either wear a funeral suit or dress up as the celeb. It’s a right laugh. Oh, and the winner gets half the money and the other half goes behind the bar!
Rob Vickerman & MDT: Ha ha. You’re so special!
Rob Vickerman: If you could have any accent in the world what would it be?
Nicky Noodles: I’d like a Somerset accent.
MDT: In the whole world, you want a somerset accent?!
Nicky Noodles: Yeah, I like to say “tractor” in that accent.
MDT: Hmm… I have no words. If you could loot a shop, which one would you loot?
Nicky Noodles: Depends what specials are on in the stores! Probably a game station store, but would be a proper mission cause none of the boxes have the cd’s in so will have to find the right cds in the back room, or a grave yard. The marble price is high at the moment.
Dan Norton: But Nick, the dead person’s name will be on it. What you gonna do then!
Nicky Noodles: Oh, fu*k!
MDT: Well Nick, that was very entertaining. My stomach hurts now – you truly are very special person and have got some serious interesting things going on in your head. If you don’t land up on a tv show the world will miss out on some serious comedy.
That’s it for this week. Next week I’ll be reporting from Sunny Cape Town (poor me). Please chime in below and tune in tomorrow for All Blacks 7s Captain, D.J. Forbes!