Every Tuesday, England 7s star Mathew Drew Turner takes on the role of pesky reporter for RWU.
This week I’ve decided to mix it up and move away from asking some of my teammates questions and instead will touch upon the Northern Hemisphere vs Southern Hemisphere, in terms of some controversial rugby news about things that have happened off the pitch at the Rugby World Cup… so far.
Also, as an added bonus, come up with a few Top 3’s within the England 7s Squad.
Before we continue, please note that whatever I say here may or may not be 100% true, so don’t quote me on any of this – I want to be able to walk in the streets and not always have the feeling that every car is about to perform a drive-by on me. But for the RWU Cause I’ll forge forward! (And you should help the cause by telling your mates about this site – it’s a good one!)
To start, I’ve come across two things; one that involves an All Black and one involves a fellow Englishman.
Here goes:
This certain 21-year-old All Black player has recently admitted he has a slight drinking problem. Here are my views on this:
1. You’re only an alcoholic if you admit it, otherwise you’re just another drunk.
2. When I was 21, the only part of drinking I can remember, were the next mornings.
3. The only proof I was at certain clubs were all the stamps up my arms from the various bouncers!
Clarification/Disclaimer: I was playing University rugby, not International, at that time.
The next subject is a little closer to home – that’s why I’ve got to be really careful about what I say – besides the fact that he is basically royalty. I don’t really want to end up with the nose like his (as cool as it would be able to smell around corners). I’m pretty happy with my facial features just how they are now… Anyway, the term “Lads on Tour” came to my mind when I first heard this story. It’s not a huge secret or surprise that when a rugby team goes out together that they attract attention, let alone an international team. I only dream of the pulling power that they must have on just one night! It’s like girls lose all sense of dignity and turn savage, borderline primitive, to the point I pray every night at my bedside to one day to one day be in their shoes…. The rugby player’s shoes – not the girl’s high heels.
Its not Mike’s fault – we’ll call him Mike – that he was on the receiving end of the mythical pulling power of the Lads on Tour. In his defence, what is a little kiss on the top of your head!? The Pope does it. Personally, I dont get any pleasure from a kiss on the top of my head. My Mom kisses me on the top of my head – it would be weird if that did it for me… But well, we all know media love to talk things up. It’s all about making the story as good as possible, even if you have to twist a few things.
JWB (Johnathan Wicklow Barberie): Mathew? Speaking of twisting things…
MDT: Yes, Johnathan?
JWB: Your teammate, Nick Royle?
MDT: Yes?
JWB: He wants to know what is all the banter with you looking like… Well… a rat?!
MDT: Ha! Ha! Nick is one of those guys, when its comes to banter and knowledge, he is not very strong. He is pretty intellectually challenged. If you ve watched Anchor Man, he’s kinder like Brick, who randomly says he loves things.
https://youtu.be/9x5PWin0Uls
MDT: One day, Nick, you’ll realise you look like Simon Pegg with bent legs and can’t catch! Slick Hands Nick won Slap Hands of the Day… again… yesterday!
But now to the more important things! A few Top 3s within the England 7s:
Smallest Calves:
1. Tom Powell
2. Ollie Lindsey Hague
3. Christian Lewis-Pratt
Oldest Players:
1. Simon Hunt
2. Greg Barden
3. Nick Royle
Worst fashion sense:
1. Simon Hunt
2. James Rodwell
3. Dan Norton