TEN REASONS WHY THE EAGLES WILL BEAT CANADA NEXT WEEK

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No Dudley Do Right to bug USA fans like these!

BOULDER, CO – We’re blaming yesterday’s Team USA loss to Team Canada on the touch judges. That’s not a misprint. Clearly their attention was elsewhere, because there is no way in HECK that the Americans in red, white & blue (not the other North Americans in red) would kick for touch as poorly as the touch judges marked the out-points! “Il n’est pas possible!” as they would say in Toronto.

But we’re not here today to harp on the past; we’re here to predict the future. And that future includes a Team USA victory over Team Canada in their rematch on U.S. soil next week, right here in Boulder!

TEN REASONS WHY EAGLES WILL WIN:

10 ) Touch judges will not be getting a few extra Tooneys tucked in their socks by our pal, Canadian #8, Aaron Carpenter.
9 ) Coors Light sucks, so Team USA won’t be tempted by the great Canadian beer readily available in Toronto.
8 ) The DOW Jones Industrial Average will recover, and guys with big bucks like RWU fave, Todd Clever, will be able to relax.
7 ) The gendarmes and Mounted Police won’t be harassing Eagle fans, inhibiting them and keeping them from REALLY cheering for their team.
6 ) Better food. Poutin and Tim Horton’s are not what Team USA is accustomed to eating. We suggest some Rocky Mountain Oysters.
5 ) Referring back to #8, the Debt Ceiling Deal will be in full swing, allowing the guys to concentrate on cutting across the pitch, not cutting Revenue.
4 ) Mike Petri is pissed. If you know Mike, ticking him off is like ticking off Joe Friday. It takes a lot – but watch out when it happens!

Even Canadian Bunnies will help Team USA!

3 ) More of the Team USA Bunnies will be at the match. They get a lasting RISE out of  EVERYBODY.
2 ) The altitude in Boulder is in miles, not meters. Not knowing how high they are will completely discombobulate the Canucks.
1 ) I will be kicking for points, resulting in a 25-18 victory for Team USA.

Look for Eagle 7s Captain Matthew Hawkins, England’s Mathew Drew Turner and Eagle Christy Ringgenberg reporting this week.

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About Johnathan Wicklow Barberie 118 Articles
JWB is the contrived Kiwi sports personality who can't go ANYWHERE without being asked for an autograph. He always obliges. Find him on Twitter at: @JWB_RWU