BOULDER, CO – We’re blaming yesterday’s Team USA loss to Team Canada on the touch judges. That’s not a misprint. Clearly their attention was elsewhere, because there is no way in HECK that the Americans in red, white & blue (not the other North Americans in red) would kick for touch as poorly as the touch judges marked the out-points! “Il n’est pas possible!” as they would say in Toronto.
But we’re not here today to harp on the past; we’re here to predict the future. And that future includes a Team USA victory over Team Canada in their rematch on U.S. soil next week, right here in Boulder!
TEN REASONS WHY EAGLES WILL WIN:
10 ) Touch judges will not be getting a few extra Tooneys tucked in their socks by our pal, Canadian #8, Aaron Carpenter.
9 ) Coors Light sucks, so Team USA won’t be tempted by the great Canadian beer readily available in Toronto.
8 ) The DOW Jones Industrial Average will recover, and guys with big bucks like RWU fave, Todd Clever, will be able to relax.
7 ) The gendarmes and Mounted Police won’t be harassing Eagle fans, inhibiting them and keeping them from REALLY cheering for their team.
6 ) Better food. Poutin and Tim Horton’s are not what Team USA is accustomed to eating. We suggest some Rocky Mountain Oysters.
5 ) Referring back to #8, the Debt Ceiling Deal will be in full swing, allowing the guys to concentrate on cutting across the pitch, not cutting Revenue.
4 ) Mike Petri is pissed. If you know Mike, ticking him off is like ticking off Joe Friday. It takes a lot – but watch out when it happens!
3 ) More of the Team USA Bunnies will be at the match. They get a lasting RISE out of EVERYBODY.
2 ) The altitude in Boulder is in miles, not meters. Not knowing how high they are will completely discombobulate the Canucks.
1 ) I will be kicking for points, resulting in a 25-18 victory for Team USA.
Look for Eagle 7s Captain Matthew Hawkins, England’s Mathew Drew Turner and Eagle Christy Ringgenberg reporting this week.